Sitting in the warm sun watching a grandchild play while sharing a piece of cheesecake with your daughter might sound like a lovely way to spend a Saturday, but it must be taken in context.

The context of a pass through a metal detector and crossing through 4 electric gates surrounded by 15 foot chain-link fencing topped with razor wire puts a different light on the day.  This was my first trip to prison, it is was emotionally overwhelming. Parts of the visit went smoother that expected, and parts were much more difficult.

We had visited “Bec” many times as she sat in a county jail waiting for the outcome of all that was going on. She actually gave up her right to a speedy trial, and so sat in that county jail for a year an a half. A year and a half of 12 minute phone calls and visits that were just like you see on t.v. Both of us on a phone, with a thick, wire-enforced glass between us. Trying to get a small child to stay in a 3 foot square and talk into a phone was a great challenge. “Bug” never could understand why mommy’s voice was in the phone when she was right in front of us or how she couldn’t get into that next room. This day was so much better. When we finally got to the day-room” “Bug” ran and hugged her mommy and crawled up on her lap like she had just seen her the day before. It confirmed for me that I was doing a decent job at keeping them connected and her mother fresh on her mind. “Bug” sang and danced and told funny stories and crawled around acting like a puppy or hiding under the chairs. She acted “normal”.

“Bec” and I made small talk, discussed “Bug’s” need for a haircut (there was an incident with scissors a few months back that needs to be evened up) and talked about all the opportunities “Bec” has available to her – to better herself.I did pray continually during and after the visit, because I didn’t want to say anything other than what God wanted me to, and I was able to take a few moments to talk to “Bec” about other things – to ask her to forgive me for past failures – not following God closer when she was small, and for a period of rebellion I had after her dad and I divorced. I also shared face to face with her what I had already written to her, that sometimes I have battled being angry with sometimes for the position she has put all of in. She responded well to all of this, and recalled the letter that much of that was written in.

The hard part was seeing other visitors, and hearing them talk about how many years they had been doing this same thing. And then there was the “aftermath” of the visit – coming to grips with time, and finding a safe outlet for the emotion -In the days following, I actually chose to watch some “wedding makeover” shows! They make me cry, so I knew it would be a way to  let the tears flow – Sometime I feel that tears build up, and when you can’t let them out when you should, you have to find another way to let them out…. That’s just me!

A wonderful thing that happened was having so many people checking on me with texts, phone calls, and internet messages. When all this began, God kept pushing me to surround myself with good healthy relationships that would support me, and I thank Him for that!!!!! Without God, and my family and friends and church and Celebrate Recovery…. I don’t know how I could make it!!!


1 Comment (+add yours?)

  1. lisa
    Feb 25, 2012 @ 09:47:19

    *to ask her to forgive me for past failures – not following God closer when she was small, and for a period of rebellion I had after her dad and I divorced.*

    Wow! That’s HUGE!

    “For in much wisdom is much grief: and he that increases knowledge increases sorrow.” Eccl. 1:18

    Getting closer to God, seeing things the way He sees them, causes us to look at our lives with a more discerning eye. It is painful to see our selfish mistakes. But!

    “Again, a new commandment I write unto you, which thing is true in him and in you: because THE DARKNESS IS PAST, and the true light now shines.” 1John:8

    “: but you are washed, but you are sanctified, but you are justified in the name of the Lord Jesus, and by the Spirit of our God.” 1Cor.6:11

    Thank the Lord that this darkness is past; that we are washed, sanctified & justified; and that the true light now shines from YOU, Ann!!!

    My own past comes to haunt me on occasion. I feel what David must’ve felt when he wrote that his sin was “ever before” him. Guilt is powerful. Besides being a tool that both God, and I believe, Satan use – it is also a consequence. However, remembering the promises of God, keeping my mind occupied with things that are lovely and pure, and acknowledging that God’s mercy is bigger than my sin – all helps to remind me that such darkness is PAST.


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